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A Little Lost, A Little Found

8 Weeks, No Husband

Are there any blogs out there not talking about the impact of the corona virus? Is there anyone out there not impacted by it? Here’s what’s been going on with us… About 8 or 9 weeks ago, my husband accepted an offer to do a travel nursing contract in New Jersey. We live in Utah. Covid-19 was just stretching out its grubby little fingers across the country, schools were announcing two week closures, and everything was a ‘maybe’. At the time, we knew traveling was increasingly risky and flights were getting cancelled left and right, but figured I would still be able to visit. I thought for sure, “I’ll see him in two weeks. Ok, maybe 4.” One week ticked by, then another, schools closed until summer break, restaurants and non essential businesses were closing down, should I even go visit a close friend? About 3-4 weeks into his contract, we accepted the fact that I would not be coming out to see him. (You can probably tell by now, I didn’t intend to provide a checklist of productivity habits. It wasn’t until I started posting that I realized that would’ve been a good idea. Next time?)

How do people do it? I’ve been thinking of military families this whole time. 8 weeks has been painful and lonely. 8 weeks of no kisses, no hugs, no hand holding. But, all the while, it’s nothing compared to what other families suffer for months or years. Thankfully, he’s safe at an American hospital – not at risk of being attacked like our military men and women. But, it’s still the most time I have spent away from him and I still don’t like it.

Why did he go? I’ll be honest, but brace yourself – you might find it to be shallow. The money was too good to pass. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m rather lost these days, clomping around in swamp of ideas until something magically clicks. I’m leaving my teaching post and we are getting ready to set off on another year of DRAFTJS_BLOCK_KEY:gg57travel nursing. So if Ivan could earn in 8 weeks what I make in 10 months on a teacher’s salary, well, why not? Oh, keep in mind, we didn’t think it would be 8 weeks apart at the time. What I noticed during the 2 months apart, is the way that time becomes suspended. Days blur together and suddenly I look up and it’s finally Friday. How is it that the mind can compartmentalize like that? Perhaps it’s the routine I created during the work week, but it’s like the clocks function separately from me. The weeks are a blur. I experienced this when I was hospitalized a few years ago. I was in the hospital for 1 week and one moment it was morning, then suddenly it was evening. On the one hand, days are slow and time drags. On the other, it’s like a trance where maybe time moves and maybe it doesn’t. The blur of time makes it less painful. Watch TV and, “Oh, look at that. Time for bed.”

Here’s an actual shot of me falling through time:

Have you experienced this time suspension? If so, I’d love to know what it was like. Comment your experience below! A lot has happened in the last 8 weeks, and wherever Corona decides to go next, at least my husband and I will be together for it.

Much Love,

Hanna

#hescominghome

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A Little Lost, A Little Found van build

Are you a little lost?

Hi there! My name is Hanna, and lately, I’ve been feeling a bit lost. Quite a bit lost. Can you relate? In fact, getting older hasn’t helped much. I seem to feel more and more like a wanderer.

Right out of high school, I went into college not quite knowing what my major would be, so I blended three of them. Upon graduating, I didn’t know what career field to jump into between teaching, business, or government, so I applied to a Master’s program. Upon being accepted, I bought an extra two years of safety in schooling. It was nice to know, “Here I am. Here’s where I’m going. I’m in school, I’m going to get a degree and for the next 2-4 years, I don’t really have to think about other things.” I graduated with a Master’s degree in French Language and Literature. This is the degree you get when you are considering teaching, and generally teaching at the upper levels. Are you surprised to find out I didn’t end up doing that?

I hesitate to continue this introduction, because I’m feeling a bit vulnerable. Perhaps you as a reader may be thinking, “Oh wow, six years of college? Poor you.” I’m not complaining about my education, I value it! I love the content of the things I studied. I just didn’t know what that would look like as a career trajectory.

After graduating, I worked as a bilingual credit specialist, meaning I made companies pay their late bills – and sometimes I did it in French. Talk about imposter syndrome (we’ll get into that later). One year later, I decided to take the plunge into teaching! I taught Kindergarten, French immersion for 2 years. This is where the real wandering begins. My husband and I decided to take a chance on travel nursing. He would get 13 week contracts at various hospitals, and I would teach online with VIPKid. We missed our home and family, I missed the Kindergartners and stability of the classroom. We traveled for a year and came back. I thought I had been found! Yay! Back in the classroom! This is where I belong.

Then again, maybe not. One more year of Kindergarten, and the first 4 or 5 months I was utterly exhausted, super stressed, and dreaded the day. The days are so long in Kindergarten. I went from complete freedom, going wherever I wanted to go and any time, back into the classroom regimen – Monday through Friday 8-4.

I’m a little embarrassed writing down the changes year over year. How can anyone respect a person who changes her mind every 1-2 years? Am I the only one who is so lost? I love kids and I love teaching, but maybe not for 7 hours a day, five days a week, with a combined total of 50-60 students (AM and PM classes). I look around at my colleagues on our Zoom meetings and wonder, “Am I the only one here who’s kind of enjoying these quiet moments of remote teaching?”

So, here I am on the internet with binoculars on gazing around to see if anyone else can relate. My hope is with this blog, we’ll be able to journey through being lost & being found together.


Much Love,

Hanna